Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
My wild oats have turned to shredded wheat.
Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead.
Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow.
Do not walk beside me, either.
Just leave me the hell alone.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you ever tried.
A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Monday is a pathetic way to spend 1/7th of your life.
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
Forget the Joneses, I keep up with the Simpsons.
The more people I meet, the more I like my cat.
Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
If you don't like the news, go out and make some.
I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
Few women admit their age: Fewer men act it.
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately, it kills all its students.
How can I miss you if you won't go away?
Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Support bacteria -- the only culture some people ever acquire.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Don't squat with your spurs on.
Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Duct tape is like the Force: it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
There are two theories of arguing with women. Neither one works.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.